Good jokes only, please!

[Anne Troy]

Subject: study on males face

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

:dunno

[shades]

Enrollment open to men only.

Please note that due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.



HOWTO-103 How To Fill Ice Cube Trays
Step-by-step instructions with slide presentation

HOWTO-105 Toilet Paper: Does It Grow On The Holder?
Roundtable Discussion

HOWTO-112 Differences Between Laundry Basket and The Floor
Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

HOWTO-117 The After-Dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate and Fly into the Kitchen Sink or Dishwasher?
Debate among panel of experts.

HOWTO-118 Loss of Virility: Losing the Remote Control to Your Significant Other.
Help line and support groups.

HOWTO-121 Learning How To Find Things Beginning with looking in the right place instead of turning the whole house upside down while screaming.
Open forum discussion.

HOWTO-122 Health Watch Bringing her flowers is NOT harmful to your health.
PowerPoint presentation.

HOWTO-126 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real-life testimonials!

HOWTO-127 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulation

HOWTO-130 Living With Adults: Basic Differences Between Your Mother and Your Wife
Online class and role playing.

HOWTO-133 How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

HOWTO-134 Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries & Other Important Dates
Also covers calling when you're going to be late. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

HOWTO-135 Getting Over It: Learning to Live With Being Wrong ALL The Time.
Individual counselors available.


Sign up early and get a discount at registration!
:dunno ;) :bore :help

[Zack Barresse]

WillR and others may remember this one, but it's a classic. long one, but hilarious...

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

It all started one day when i was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call i had forgotten to make. i found the number and dialed it. a man answered, saying, "Hello." i poitely said, "This is Zack. May I please speak with Robin Carter?" suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
i couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. i tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. i had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. after hanging up with her, i decided to call the 'wrong' number again. when the same guy answered the phone, i yelled, "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up. i wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

every couple of weeks, when i was paying bills or had a really bad day, i'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!" it always cheered me up. when caller ID came to our area, i thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole' calling would have to stop. so, i called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. i quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!"

one day i was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot i had patiently waited for. i hit the horn and yelled that i had been waiting for the spot. the idiot ignored me. i noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so i wrote down his number.

a couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole, (i had his number on speed dial) i thought i had better call the BMW a$$hole, too.
i said, "is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where i can see it?"
"Yes, Ii live at 1802 West 34th St. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" i asked.
"My name is Don Bergmuster," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can i tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, your an a$$hole." then i hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. now, when i had a problem, i had two a$$holes to call.

but after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. so, i came up with an idea. i called a$$hole #1.
"Hello."
"You'rre an a$$hole!" (but i didn't hang up)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," i said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," i said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Bergmuster."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"A$$hole, i live at 1802 West 34th St., a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like i'm really scared, A$$hole."

Then i called A$$hole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, A$$hole," i said.
he yelled, "If i ever find out who you are!"
"You'll what?" i said.
"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.
i answered, "Well, A$$hole, here's your chance, I'm coming over right now."

Then i hung up and immediately called the police, saying that i lived at 1802 West 34th St., and that i was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then i called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on West 34th St. i quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street. there i saw two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, i feel better. Anger management really works.

:cool

[Adaytay]

COMPLETELY Off Topic... so I'll stick in here.

As found on utteraccess.com:

Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays:

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally stapled it to the wall.

As I raced up the parkway, late for a final, the Canadian Goose took off from the lake at such a tangential angle that it struck the front of my car with a sound like that a pillow case filled with chocolate pudding would make if it hit the front of a car flying at 65 mile per hour except without the burst of feathers.

[Anne Troy]

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

[mark007]

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

Sounds about right to me!