Bad News, Worse News

[Brandtrock]

A doctor called his patient.

Doctor: "I am afraid I have some bad news and some worse news."

Patient: "Let me have it, doc."

Doctor: "Well, you only have one day to live."

Patient: "What could possibly be worse news than that!!!!"

Doctor: "I've been trying to get a hold of you since yesterday."

:rotlaugh:

[sandam]

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I feel like Tom Jones



Doctor: Thats not unusual

[MOS MASTER]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose,
a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor...

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly." :rofl:

[sandam]

Man walks into a bar...







Ouch!

[SJ McAbney]

Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of some tests.

I can only give you ten to live, says the doctor.

Ten what, Doc? asks the man. Days? Weeks? Months?

Nine, says the doctor.

[Zack Barresse]

A baby seal walks into a club..

[SJ McAbney]

A young woman came up to me the other day asking if she could be in my next film. I said that I wasn't looking for an actual actress but I could use her as a body double. And while I wan't sure if I could find a role for her face or hands I told her I'd be happy to get her legs a part.

[MOS MASTER]

What's the main difference between intelligence and ignorance?





<<<---I don't know and I don't care!--->>> :rofl:

[Glaswegian]

A man goes to the doctors with a lettuce hanging out of his a**e.

Man says "is it serious?"

Doctor: ?Yes, it?s just the tip of the iceberg?



So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".

He said "How flexible are you?".

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".

[MOS MASTER]

Have you seen Stevie Wonders new car?

No,....but neither has he!

[Jacob Hilderbrand]

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."



The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"



The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

[MOS MASTER]

A doctor and a nurce were called to the scene of an accident.

D: We need to get these people to a hospital now!
N: What is it?
D: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

[Sir Babydum GBE]

A man goes to the doctor with a deoderant-stick stuck up his bottom. The Doctor said "How an Earth did this happen?". the man replied: "I just followed the instructions - 'Unscrew cap, and push up bottom'"

[Sir Babydum GBE]

I bumped into Mystic Meg the other day, and she started laughing at me. So I hit her...
I like to strike a happy medium.

[Bob Phillips]

What's the main difference between intelligence and ignorance?





<<<---I don't know and I don't care!--->>> :rofl:



I think you mean ...

What is the meaning of apathy?

[sheeeng]

Wow...Lots of questions posted here...
Well, what is life?

[MOS MASTER]

I think you mean ...

What is the meaning of apathy?

Now I know and I still don't care! :rofl:

[johnske]

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist

[johnske]

CATHOLIC PARROTS


A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem,.I?ve two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Wanna have some fun?"

"Disgusting!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"I may have a solution to your problem.? he said, ?I?ve two male parrots that I?ve taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. They?ll teach your parrots to praise and worship the Lord and your parrots are sure to stop saying that in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "that may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her parrots to the priest's house. She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Wanna have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Then one male parrot looked over at the other and said, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have just been answered."

[shades]

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and Dobermans?

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Lipstick

(a woman told me this!)